STORMIN
If you can wait another 10 years, and you really want the proverbial “buns of steel”, I highly recommend working for the United States Census Bureau. I’m not saying my buns are tight, but ok, yeah, I’m saying my buns are seriously tight. That can happen when you go up and down apartment complex stairs all day long everyday for weeks at a time. Especially when you follow up at an apartment complex when the person previously working that complex just worked the first and second floors and left nothing but third floors for the next person to do. This is what in laymen’s terms we call an a-hole (if you remember part one, I’m blaming the census for my cursing more).
Just some observations from my census work:
• I’m not exactly certain what it means, but I saw a LOT of empty abandoned properties. NO “for sale signs”, no furnishings inside — empty. Just when you thought our economy was going downhill fast, Covid said, “Here, hold my beer.”
• You would be very surprised by how many homes just don’t have door bells.
• You might also be surprised just how many of the older Ring door bells are just left up dead, without ever recharging them.
• Speaking of Ring door bells. That ring tone gets incredibly annoying after a while.
• Don’t worry too much if you dodged or just didn’t answer the knock of the census bureau folks, because when you don’t answer, we just go talk to your neighbors about you. Guess which neighbor always wants to talk about you? Mrs. Kravitz, as in Gladys. For those of you that have been streaming old episodes of Bewitched, you know exactly what neighborhood busy-body I’m talking about. Or, it’s the neighbor that just totally hates you, and that’s how we now know about all of the loud arguments that occur, and how often the police are called to your home. It’s not that important that it’s not true, because now we have all of the info that we needed about you and some really great stories to boot. Bet you wish you answered that door now???
• Some VERY unpatriotic gated communities have written HOA rules banning “census takers” from their communities. One in particular close to my neighborhood that will remain nameless, but who’s name rhymes with “Oakfail” (you know who you are, and you ought to be ashamed) is just one such community.
• Speaking of gated communities, including many (most) apartment complexes — they are not near as “secure” as you might think.
• Not only is it required to respond to the Census Bureau, but you can be fined up to $5,000.00 for not responding.
• Much like the Spanish Inquisition, no-one expects the Census Bureau (shout-out to Monty Python fans).
Oh, and my top 10 excuses for not being able to complete the Census Bureau questionnaire:
10) I’m busy working (holding gaming controller in his hand).
9) I’m busy working (“f” you, “f” the Census, and “f” the government) and my VP is on the line and they’re going to be mad at me for talking to you. (Hmmm, is your VP listening to you talk to the poor census guy like that??? BTW she tried to sick her dog on me, but he wouldn’t even be bothered 😂).
8) I’m busy working (oh, hey, what’s up man, no, come on in, don’t worry about him, he’s just from the Census bureau — SLAM!!! Yes, that was his buddy showing up to visit him).
7) I’m busy working (the smell of pot wafts out the door) or…
6) I’m busy helping my nephew with his homework (the smell of pot wafts out of the door).
5) What exactly will it do specifically for me? Well it may give you or someone in your family Covid-19 vaccine so none of you die.
4) I’m just not interested.
3) What’s the census?
2) I just got out of the shower and I’m only wearing this towel (this one completed her census questionnaire — in her towel. Told you I was too pretty for prison lol).
1) Nah, I’m good (literally the number one response given before they slammed the door in my face. One guy actually said this before shoving me and threatening to beat me up. Note to readers, it’s some serious trouble threatening and assaulting a Federal employee).
Freelance writer, satirist, wordsmith, air frying adventurer, and the right person to know if there's a zombie apocalypse.
